There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
