I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
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No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Sorry about my life...
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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