Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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