I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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