I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
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Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
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I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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