seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
