I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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