1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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