I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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