And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
This is the high leading the old right now
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
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