if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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