Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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