If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
