bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
