So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
