that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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