just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
