If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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