He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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