im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
