I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
