can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
