Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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