I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
