It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
