they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
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