Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
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Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
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She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
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