just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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