My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
