I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Randomize
