The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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