in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
