I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
