i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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