After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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