Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
