The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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