i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
