I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
