My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"