yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
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You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
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I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.