You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
