I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
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I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
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He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"