so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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