I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
In other news, I just burned my penis
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
