I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
