i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
