I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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