The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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