Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
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