Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
25 People Admit the Worst Things They’ve Done for Good Reasons
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
We're using joints as your birthday candles
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
25 Things All Men Can Definitely Agree On
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.