Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
