I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
