btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
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