she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
