Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
