I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
