i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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