had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Randomize
